I have recently realised that love is my weakness. The desire for love, the struggle for love in past relationships and a perception of a lack of love are what have prevented me from getting to my dreams quicker and in a more satisfactory manner. I have held myself back and when I have fallen down, I have subconsciously wished for love to save me. Why has it taken me so long to see this ever-repeating pattern? Fuck knows but I’m happy it’s finally surfaced and hit me in the face!
I have had so many dreams and for so many years and I’ve just woken up to the fact that they must happen now and to ensure that they do, I need to stay focused on the things that bring me joy. I sit in meditation, I go for walks in nature, I spend time with good people, I check in with my heart and higher self, I speak affirmations everyday, I watch youtube videos of master teachers and I only this week re-discovered the amazing catalogue of inspiration available on TED Talks. Thank you.
Then late at night, after many inspired days, I can drop into a deep pool of darkness. I am aware of this darkness. It has been an unwanted companion for a very long time. I have learnt over the years not to get too involved with it. I see and acknowledge it and I try to keep myself light. If I am in a less inspired place, I try not to even explore a rising emotion, knowing it’s mind’s clever way of disrupting my night. However, there are times when the pull of the shadow is too great. When the illusion of trouble sits in my body and my heart burns with sorrow, from the inside out.
As it seems unavoidable, I have learnt to lie quietly while I observe the root feeling of this pain yet I have always known what it represents. Loneliness. And because this pain feels so internal and so innate, the sadness of the body pain on top of loneliness could and used to lead me into despair as it was, in that moment, displaying a truth. I am alone. I have been for a long time, in relationships and outside of them. I have a life that many admire. I work on my own terms, travel, learn and I have leaped into many adventurous experiences but I always do it alone. I have got used to this but in honesty, I would like a partner in crime.
Knowing that this is very often out of our control. You cannot make people love you or go the distance but I could go out hunting. I’m just not sure that this would be the best use of my time. It is more important for me to put my energies into my dreams now. I can see how every time I have been close, a relationship has enticed me away with either fun or drama. I am also certain that when I am having the most beautiful day, the mind can decide to get creative and distract me. But it isn’t creative, ‘are you mind!?’ It’s the same old bullshit and I’m on to you!
I have so many things in the pipeline and the universe definitely appears to have my back (it always does) and when I was thrown another distraction recently, I almost got lost for a moment. This was my response… FUCK OFF MIND! I have some ace shiz going on and it’s all good. I’m happy. All is well and what is meant to be will be etc… I have big things to do and I won’t be distracted by a call to sadness. I was feeling quite warrior on this subject by now.
As I walked away, feeling this post was complete, I took my eye off the ball and one of Chris Isaak’s songs floated through my thoughts, “Oh I, wanna fall in love.” Then I caught it, just before I was about to sing it out. It is an epic track. However, after a day of rest and inspiration, I won’t risk being led into a dark bottomless shadow or randomly placed rabbit holes. We were trained this way. So here’s what I’m saying to societal conditioning and a trickster mind, you can both “Fuck off!”… What a wicked game you play! 😉