I have been actively setting the intention to find the limiting beliefs that exist inside me. I’m sure I’ve been working on this long before now but I have recently discovered a burning desire to dig deeper, to discover the hidden ones and to let them go as swiftly as possible. I am hungry for truth and I am ready to live fully in the truth of who I am. Freedom from the conditioning I have been raised with and have held on to for far too long, often unknowingly.
Last night, I dreamt a dream in which I was left without knowing why… Again. Frustrating dreams. The point is ever present in them but rather than just receiving the message, I seem to linger in the uncomfortable circumstance for what feels like hours. A storyline that is weak and upsetting. In a kind of subliminal abusive manner.
I got up and started my day in the way I usually do (affirmations, yoga and sometimes meditation) then decided to do some breath work. I wanted to give the meaning of this dream, the opportunity to surface clearly. I wanted to release it. And I wasn’t disappointed. Fear of abandonment, hello.
I have experienced what I know of abandonment in a number of ways. I am fortunate not to have been abandoned physically, well not for very long. I am grateful to have both parents in my life. I might not have been abandoned in a way that you might feel you have been abandoned but I know abandonment. And I have held it deep within, the feeling and the fear of abandonment.
I have always joked with people about my childhood, the memories. The stories have been repeated time and time again. So much laughter! I have often wondered if they have made a deeper impact but then questioned, why try to find trauma in something that makes me laugh? Or is it just that I am really good at turning upsetting things into laughter?
One story in particular, will never be forgotten. I woke up on a wooden boat, in a hammock, with no crew that I could find. I went on the top deck, found a cat, as the boat started to leave the harbour. Long story short, my mum was out partying the night away in Jamaica and I was almost on my way to St Lucia. This was not my only experience!
The stories I am more likely to refer to are the ones involving men. The first, a messy coming of age relationship in which we both left each other in weird and wonderful ways, fucking each other up immensely and forming the basis for future relationships in life… No biggy! And so it went on.
An ex moved out 3months after he moved in, another was not available emotionally, never fully present with a heavy dependence on medication and weed and most recently, a love left after the death of a parent. And I fought it. I fought to stay, to not abandon him in his anger and grief. It was too much. He needed to recover without me. My heart knew, the pain was unbearable.
So when I looked more deeply in my breath work practice, it was of little surprise that I found it there. The fear of abandonment. It sat in the root and sacral chakra. And I could see the impact it had had on my behaviour and the parts that I had played. My heart screamed in pain. I breathed and I shook and I eased it out of the body. I do not wish to carry this damage any further. The cause is no longer important. Just surrender and let it go. And I am now. And so can you. Let’s keep looking, breathing, shaking and clearing! Know we are safe, we are free and state clearly to yourself “I am warrior now” … Because you are!