It’s pretty hard for me to put into words what has happened over the past months. It goes a bit like this…I thought I was in a fabulous relationship in which we were planning a life together, we were moving abroad and shared big dreams. Then that ended. With the slight feeling that it was out of our hands… How unfortunate, how unlucky, such bad timing blah blah blah! Nothing said in those moments really helps but we smile on the outside, when it is expressed by those we love.
What is one to do? Well, I realised that I had spent far too many days, weeks and months mourning relationships and loved ones in the past, seeking the reasons, questioning my own behaviour, understanding the plight and struggles of another, the exhaustiveness of it all and probably not being thought about from their end so fuck it! No more. That ended then too. I’m not saying I’m a robot and it doesn’t hurt but life is too precious to miss for another.
And what do we do when our canvas suddenly gets wiped clean? Do you frantically try to replace the colours, pine for what is gone or get up, dust yourself off and carry on. What the fuck does carry on even mean? Carry on with what!? The thing that you thought you had but don’t. I think it’s a stupid suggestion so I decided to sit. I opted for silence. I let go with love, that is all I care to choose now and I endeavour to keep my heart open.
I let go of the plans. I let go of the ideas of how life should be (which can be tricky as it is not always clear what they are or where they came from). I let go of the expectations that I had acquired and the ones I had shared, the conversations and the dreams. I surrendered all that came with mind and that which my young heart had clung to for such a long time. I surrendered and continue to surrender it all. Nothing is in control!
My friend said it in India. It was the first time I’d heard it. I fell about laughing. The kind of laughter that bursts free when confronted with a welcomed truth. A truth so simple that when you hear it, it brings only joy. It appears so obvious that you wonder why you hadn’t thought the words up yourself. It just makes sense. How I laughed then and I still laugh now. Nothing is in control… Of course!
And how do you hear it? To me, it takes away feelings of weakness, guilt, shame, frustration or sadness. You did not fail. It offers that comfort and instant relaxation in knowing that I did my best and that I always do, for myself and for others. That is all we can do. The rest is out of our control.
So as I sit here, I don’t know what is next. I let go of my business premises, my house is up for sale, I am ready for a new adventure. I know it is coming. And without conjuring up ideas, life is unfolding in magical ways. I am being looked after. I am accepting each gift as it comes. I truly am blessed, in deep gratitude, trust and joy. I can still experience the sadness of what was lost but I know what I have also gained. I aspire to stay empty as the universe fills me up. Opportunities arise and I say yes! I am warrior now.
I was so excited when I saw this artwork by June Shapter @gongmamma … It is the first piece of art that I have bought. When I saw it, I felt it was me. It perfectly captures this period in my life and I had to have it near 🙂